Dishing it with Delvon Articles

For as long as I can remember, I knew that there was something different about me. I had a super

creative mind, and my fascination was always with hair, fashion, and Barbie dolls. These interests were

not normal for a little black boy from Newark, New Jersey. At the age of seven years old, my aunt

bought me a Barbie for a birthday gift, and I can recall my father having a serious fit behind it. I couldn’t

understand why he was so upset, and I didn’t care. I loved my doll. Eventually, I was forced to get rid of

my doll because it wasn’t acceptable for me to have her. For that very reason, to this day, I have a

Barbie doll collection.

In school, I was teased and ridiculed by other neighborhood boys because I didn’t want to climb trees,

and play stick ball in the dirty field across the street from my house. I preferred to play jump ropes with

the girls, and maybe even hop scotch. The girls didn’t mind, but they thought I was a bit strange too.

Through most of my elementary school years, I was made fun of. Although all the children in my

neighborhood looked at me in a weird way, it never really mattered. I was who I was, and that attitude

has stuck with me and always will.

Some parents have a tendency of looking the other way when they see things in their children that might

be considered homosexual tendencies. A lot of times, they think that it’s just a phase that they’re going

through, and perhaps they might even grow out of. It’s usually addressed in an inappropriate manner. For

example, when I hear a little boy crying, and his mom or dad tells him to “Stop whining like a fag,” it sent

a chill through me. I heard those words from family members growing up countless times. Parents don’t

realize the effect that those little instances have, but they’re more powerful than anyone will ever know.

Those words cut like a knife, and are an indirect indication from the parent that if the child were to even

act in a feminine manner, he is considered weak, or softer than the average boy his age. As a child, we

have a tendency of believing what we hear, especially when it’s coming from a close sibling or mother.

A mother’s love is the first love factors in all our lives. From time we’re conceived, there is a bond between

a mother and child that is inseparable. As we grow, there are worlds of different circumstances that will

break that bond. A child coming out of the closet to his mother, and admitting that he or she is gay, is

certainly one of them. After 15 years of living my life as a black gay man, I had to stop and ask myself this

question: Why?

One reason that a mother might find it hard to accept their child’s homosexuality is because of their faith

and religion. In the African American community, we have a very long history of faith and belief. In slavery

days, that was all our ancestors had. The majority of us grow up going to church on a regular basis. In my

house, it was mandatory. We are taught from babies in bible school about the Ten Commandments and

what is not considered acceptable in our community. We are also taught about our sins and how to pray

for forgiveness when we do something wrong. There is also a stigma in a lot of churches, that have an

under toned message that says some sins are worse than others, when the Bible states that all sins are

considered equally wrong. There are a lot of ministers that preach to their congregations about being

gay, and how wrong it is. That leaves those in the congregation who are battling with who they are lost

and alone, especially if those individuals live on the words of their church leaders. In addition, parents are

also hearing those messages and in turn, relaying them to their children. The beliefs that we practice in

the African American community are so strong, that parents sometimes actually end up turning away from

their children, feeling that it’s the right thing to do in God’s eyes, and that leads to even more problems.

A mother always wants what’s best for her child. This is another reason why she might feel skeptical about

accepting her child’s lifestyle. Homosexuality is considered to be a dangerous life. We have all heard

stories of children being bullied or harassed because of their sexual orientation. A mother’s responsibility

is to also protect and prevent hurt from the child, and by attempting to steer him or her away from the

gay lifestyle, in her eyes, she is only doing what she feels might be in the child’s best interest.

As a child moves into adulthood, mothers began to develop an expectation for their child to have children.

It’s a natural instinct for a parent to look forward to their children continuing their family names with a

new generation. Being gay can bring a threat to those possibilities. However, there are other alternatives

in today’s society that gay men use to have children. Some gay men adopt children. In our country, there

are astounding numbers of children who are deprived, and need a decent home. Also, there is always the

option of surrogacy. The initial reaction of a parent finding out that their child is gay might be that they

will never be grandparents, but there are options for us to live a happy, healthy life and still have children.

Over the years, things have evolved a little, and it is much more acceptable than 30 years ago, but there

are still issues that a mother will be fearful of. Society has taught us that being gay is wrong, and there

are people still out here looking to enforce society’s law. This is the leading cause to our young men

having sex with other men on the “down low.” The “down low” is a phrase that was created that describes

men, who usually have wives or girlfriends, but they secretly have sex with guys too, afraid that by telling

the truth, it will alter their life. The “down low” phenomenon is also one of the leading causes of HIV in

this country. These men don’t want to tell their mothers or families about their gay lifestyle because it

could ultimately destroy their lives. Jobs have been known to be lost. Mothers and families have turned

their backs, and naturally, the “down low” has caused plenty of divorces.

People say that being gay is a lifestyle that is chosen, but who would choose to experience all of this? The

gay lifestyle is not glamorous, nor is it for the weak and mild. It takes the strength of a bull to be honest

enough with yourself and others about the lifestyle you choose to live, only to hope that you are not

shunned in the process. So many families and mothers have turned away from their children behind this,

and as a result, those same kids end up growing into adults who can care less about living life the right

way. They truly feel like they have nothing to live for. They have lost their foundation, which is usually

our family. These kids are looking for things to escape the pain, like drugs and alcohol. They rely on their

friends in the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender) community to replace the family that they

lost when they decided to be honest with the ones that they loved. It’s even causing some to commit

suicide.

Most times, the lack of acceptance comes from older generations of family traditions and values. It’s up

to today’s parents and leaders to stop those beliefs that pushing your child away just because he isn’t

heterosexual is the best way to handle the circumstance.

For the first time in history, President Obama endorsed gay marriage, and that is certainly the beginning

of a serious change for the LGBT Community. Hip Hop artists like Jay-Z and Will Smith also endorsed the

president’s powerful statement. It seems as if there is a stronger lack of acceptance in the African

American community than any other, and it has to do with our past traditions. I was fortunate enough

to have a mother that did understand. Even though some of my aunts and uncles didn’t choose to accept

it at first, it was my mother who lit the torch of acceptance and love. It also took counseling and therapy

for me to fully understand who I was, and to come to full terms that it was OK to be me. That’s also the

reason that I named my debut novel, Love Yourself First. There simply is no other way. When you love

yourself first, it shows. It’s an intangible spirit that people can see in you because it reflects from the

inside out. Others will only accept you when you accept yourself, and that’s a feeling that not even a

mother’s love can diminish.

For the past few years, we haven’t really had red carpet events, unless they were virtual, but things

have been opening up since the vaccinations in the United States, and Hollywood is no exception to the

rule! It was great to see the world opening back up and people showing off their hottest looks, but not

everyone that hit that red carpet made the mark. Let’s talk!

Viola Davis sealed its as always in a beautiful Alexander McQueen gown. With cookie cutter cuts outs

from the waste up and a flowing bottom, Viola looked lovely. Her natural hair just added to her beauty

and the white looked stunning against her flawless chocolate skin.

While Halle Berry usually never misses a beat, I was a little disappointed with her look in it’s entirety.

Halle wore a beauty berry colored gown that flowed across the red carpet like water, designed by Dolce

and Gabbana. It almost put me in the mind that something Diana Ross would wear. But what went

wrong with her hair and make-up? I’m not exactly sure, but the Dutch boy hair cut was a no go! Rumor

has it that she cut it herself the night before! Really Halle? And her makeup looked as if she stopped at

CVS on the way to throw on some Black Radiance while she was running late. I was a little

disappointed since Halle is generally a red-carpet staple that always brings it correct.

Regina King was the Queen Of The Night! Not much words could describe her fabulous. Regina showed

up in an Aqua Louis Vuitton gown with an Accordion effect that was show stopping. Make up and hair

was flawless, and while Regina has not always been known for being a showstopper on the red carpet,

she has certainly been making her mark more recently! Maybe it’s those Cadillac Commercial checks!

I was on the fence about Andra Day’s red-carpet look. The Vera Wang Gold dress looked stunning

against her caramel complected skin, and I love the way that the dress fit, but slit in the stomach was a

bit too much to me. I thought the slit showing her beautiful legs was just enough. Her hair and make

make-up hit the mark. Word on the street was she was trying to channel Billie Holiday, who was known

for risqué styles, and who she played in her recent biographic film. I thought the look was stunning

overall, minus the slit in the stomach.

H.E.R., which stands for “Having Everything Revealed” really didn’t do it for me. First of all, I think her

look had way too much fabric. She wore a purple hooded jumpsuit, which apparently was inspired by a

look that Prince wore years ago. She actually puts me in the mind of the late Aaliyah. If you looked

really closely, the fabric had the lyrics of her song scattered throughout the garment, which I though was

kind of cool and creative. H.E.R. is kind of in a class by herself so I guess I will give her a pass, especially

with her talented music, but she has to work on her red carpet looks. Nice try, and I loved the concept.

Better luck next time beautiful.

I was not impressed with Zendaya’s gown on the red carpet. Wearing a gorgeous yellow Valentino

dress(just the color!), I thought the strapless part could have been filled out more in the cleavage area

(If you get my drift!) Then, slightly under the strapless bra portion of the dress, there was a cut out,

while the rest of the gown flowed. I have seen her look dressed on the red carpet better. Try again

Zendaya! Better luck next year..

The truth of the matter is domestic violence has no identity. It happens in relationships of all kinds.

Whether its an African American relationship, Latino, White, Gay, Heterosexual, Trans-Transgender, or

interracial. The list goes on, and its simply not about the type of person or what the relationship is

defined as. It’s really about how dangerous it can be, being aware of it, and getting out before it is too

late.

There are a lot of different forms of domestic abuse. Most people think that it could just be a fight with

your significant other over who didn’t do the dishes. Or perhaps one you are working too much causing

the other party to have to take on responsibilities that they wouldn’t normally have to, leading to

heated arguments that might become physical in certain circumstances. However, these are just

scenarios that may be considered basic, and once the tension dies down and things go back to normal.

But then again, do they? If these instances take place ( as many others), it can begin to draw a strain on

the relationship and escalate to more serious circumstances that can become dangerous, and before

you know it, you find yourself in a domestic violent relationship without even being aware of it.

As I stated, domestic violence is not just a physical aspect, just a popular one. There is verbal abuse,

psychological abuse, manipulation, intimidation, financial, spiritual, mental, and so many more. In fact,

you can be right in the middle of the fire and never even realize it. In my experience, it’s not until you

get out of it, that you realize once you’re on the outside looking in, how much danger you just might

have been in. In certain instances, you will have lost your self-esteem, mistaking the violence for the

other party loving you, or just afraid to leave because you’ve been involved so long that you might think

this you aren’t worthy of finding another relationship. Again, there are all kinds of scenarios, but the

most important thing is learning the signs, and being strong enough to make the choice to handle it, or

get out before it destroys you. And it will. Over time, you won’t even recognize who are anymore.

For a long time, I used to think that domestic abuse was only found in heterosexual relationships. It

wasn’t until I found myself in a domestically abuse relationship that I realized that gay individuals are

just as capable of being victims as anybody else. It started out really subtle. Maybe a heated argument

which would eventually escalate to being hit, or a glass being smashed against the wall. But then

apologies were made and things went back to normal, until it happened again. But this time, things

started to get worse, and before I knew it, ten years had passed. I thought he loved me, and looking

back, he probably did. But it took me to see that love is not the only potion in a relationship that makes

it work. I also thought that because we were both men, it wasn’t as serious as it would be if it were a

male and female. Why would I? My mother always told me that you never hit a woman, so if I were in a

relationship where I was being hit, I’m a man and I could hit back. Somehow, I didn’t see that as a

domestic violent relationship. If that wasn’t enough, there was cheating, mental abuse, name calling,

and so much more. Before I knew it, I had high blood pressure, a therapist, and a psychiatrist. I even

ended up on medication for anxiety! And I still didn’t see the signs. I was paying the bills. But the most

difficult part was having End Stage Kidney Failure, on a dialysis machine 3 times a week in the midst of it

all. I thought I would never find anyone that could accept that, amongst all the baggage that I brought

with me, so I decided to stay. Eventually, enough was enough, and I looked back on 10 years of all the

trials and tribulations I had endured. Any finally, I got the strength to walk away, and I never looked

back. It was then that I realized that my things could have gone way worse. I was holding onto

something that was toxic, and it was deteriorating me. And going to dialysis three day a week,

maintaining my blood pressure, and other health issues, my relationship was only making things worse.

At first, I was scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen (After you are with someone for

10 years, it’s a natural emotion) I did miss him, after I had to get a restraining order and have the police

escort him out of my apartment. But day by day, things got better. My blood pressure went back to

normal, and I found myself at peace, even though I didn’t have that warm body next to me every night I

was so used to. It got easier. And honestly, despite all the toxicity in our relationship, I still love him.

However, I learned that it is ok to love someone and not put your life in danger. As I said, I didn’t even

know it.

For me, the hardest part was forgiving. It has been close to 3 years since I have maneuvered my way

out of that relationship, and I am happier now than ever. I learned to focus my energy on things that I

want out of life. But the most important, and challenging part of letting that hurt go is forgiving. I

forgave him for the things that he did, as I forgave myself for things I did (because I wasn’t perfect

either), and allowing myself to fall prey to this for such a long period of time. I think he has grown and

learned a valuable lesson from all of what we went through. We have a friendship now, and we check

up on each other from time to time because we both know the love will always be there, but we just

weren’t compatible to be in an intimate relationship. I even know his new boyfriend (who is older than

me, and I think he needed that guidance that I was unable to provide) And now that I’m on the outside

looking into all of what I endured, I can appreciate and learn from that.

You should always know your self-worth, and never settle for someone just to say you you’re in a

relationship. Everyone wants love. But lowering your standards isn’t worth it, and that person will see

you coming. Just the same way that when you set your expectations of what you want out of a

relationship, the other person will respect those standards and work hard to live up to them. Love

should never hurt. It should always elevate and bring happiness to your life no matter who you are.